why men don't want to date me

Might have taken me too long to realize this, but it's just the few extra pieces of the puzzle I'm able to attach to complete my "utopian" life.

So I have a crush on Kane.  A small one, albeit, but enough that I would like to try and forge a relationship with him and see where it takes us.  There are many factors stopping me from proposing the idea, and these factors pretty much guarantee me that he wouldn't be interested in having a relationship with me.

Now, I'm not positive on this, I'm just assuming things, but I assume that his friend Trent told him that we hooked up.  And if so, wouldn't that lead Kane to plant the "Okay, we'll never be more than friends now that she's hooked up with mine" mentality?

I never really crushed on Trent but we did have a good time the couple times we all hung out and I was attracted to Trent on my factors - physically attractive, witty, own place in Encinitas right on the beach (okay, a block from it), good car, physically fit, well-established career and led a successful and accomplished life.  It didn't even bother me that he is 14 years older than me.  Acts just like someone my age, or maybe I act older than my age so we balance each other out.  

Regardless, I got signals from Trent that maybe he was into me (see Trent's "Ladder Theory" - all men want to hook up with their female friends).  So after a risque game of Truth or Dare between the three of us, Trent and I retired to his bedroom where we made-out and I gave him a blowjob.  The next morning wasn't awkward but I let my feelings run away a bit and texted him the next day saying I was into him and was it a bad thing?  Two days later, he texted back saying he wasn't good with relationships and that he'd prefer if we remained friends minus the making out part.  Okay, strike one, hurt my ego a bit but whatever - onward and upward!

Not sure though how this pushes my feelings to liking Kane.  I've always liked Kane as a friend - he's a super fun guy and we joke around and had fun playing leisure games and drinking.  And it's not to say that liking Kane because he's the runner-up between the two.  It's not to say because I was shot down by Trent that I'm going to move in on Kane territory.  At first the idea was planted in my head that he was gay.  Why did I believe David on that?  Maybe because I was trying to fall in love with him and felt the need to be on the same side as him.  Weeks later Brad asked me why I wouldn't want to be involved with Kane.  I repeatedly told him that I only saw Kane as a friend and kept it at that.  .....

Other factors - I don't act like a girl, certainly not one that provokes men to be attracted to me on a physical and emotional level.  I burp out loud, drink like a fish, make "Your mom" and "That's what she said" crude jokes, and agree with a lot of male theories (aka Ladder Theory, etc.) hoping to be their "go to girl," the cool chick that everyone wants to hang out with.  I certainly don't have a stick up my ass, but I could definitely work on acting more ladylike and less like a teenage boy.

When we did go out on his birthday, we both drank A LOT.  He didn't remember much the next morning, but I remember most everything, especially when we were dancing at the Shore Club and I was definitely getting touchy feely - there's proof on Trent's iPhone (stupid technology).  I definitely remember kissing him over and over again, can't be too sure if he was into it like I was or if he was just trying to get me off of him.  Yeah, awkward.  Regardless, no man wants a sloppy drunk to call his "girlfriend."  I guess I felt my options were running out.  So I got desperate.

I'm just gonna let things cool down for a week or so - focus on my run coming up, staying sober like I promised myself (at least for the week, because I have a long run coming up).  Maybe I'll just wait long enough til Kane contacts me, if he ever does again, which I think and hope he will.  And if he asks about my silence, I may just come clean.  Who knows, maybe by that point I won't have these feelings of "love" and uncertainty by that time, and I'll feel silly for all my thoughts.  Oh well, I'll take the distraction while I can....