good, but not good enough

I had a nightmare about Brian last night.

I dreamed that I was moving into this great big house, and Melissa from my old store (La Jolla) was already living there, and she requested I call her Aunt Becky for whatever reason.  I made sure to avoid her as much as possible.  Then I learned that Brian and Justine were living there too.  And even though I was going to get the master bedroom, there was a lock code on it to access it, which they both knew and I didn't, and the day I was moving in they locked me out.  I demanded and yelled at Brian for the PIN but he wouldn't give it to me.  Luckily Justine did after I asked her but she wouldn't make eye contact with me at all (134134 was the PIN if that's any sign).  Justine went to school later on and Brian was going to work, but I asked him to meet me for coffee so we could talk.  I was going to take every fiber of my moral to get him to come back and be with me.  I kept begging for him to listen to me and he kept making a scene about how he wanted nothing to do with me.  People at the surrounding tables in the coffee shop were getting wrapped up in our drama and eventually two guys stepped in to keep Brian from leaving, telling him that he needed to talk with me.  I got pretty close to convincing him that if he came back to me, things would be different.  I loved him so much and that I was so stupid for letting him go and letting things get to the way they had.  He was about to cave when something snapped in him and he put his foot down and said, "NO."  I lost.  Again.  (Dream similar to the Biggest Loser I watched last night where Jillian was trying to get Migdalia to not quit, to cry, to talk to her, and Migdalia wasn't budging and just left the campus.)

I hate it when dreams fuck me up.  They enter my thoughts and try to convince me that I'm in denial about something.  

It's been almost two years since we split up.  I went through reading some old blogs and thoughts about how I felt about him early on in our relationship.  How did I think I'd get away with dating him while working with him?  

He cared so much for me.  Was so thoughtful.  And all I could focus on was making it in the workplace.  I couldn't juggle having him and me sharing a serious relationship while trying to learn and develop in my new management role at work.  Much less trying to get my feet wet again in a new and different running region.  I tried to tell him it was important for me to focus on my job especially at my new store.  I think he felt I was putting too much focus working there, trying to get the respect of my crew and management, balancing and delegating my duties.  I wasn't giving him enough of my time.  I brought work home but we never left it at work, always toting it around with us.  

If I could do things differently...I would've listened more.  I would have nagged less and been more patient.  I would have been more supportive.  I would drink less.  I would let him fly solo and be confident that he'll come back to me - he did invite me out with his work friends, but I felt awkward being in management and mingling with people not at my level.  I didn't want to get in trouble, like I almost did with him.  

He was a good person.  He might still be.  I just hated coming back to work with him after our sour split and he had no respect or intention of dealing with me during our tenure at work.  I was lucky he left five months after I got there, but that was the longest five months of my life.  People at work now see that I'm much happier - honestly, it's because he's not there anymore, I don't have to watch every single move or be sad when he's around.  On the outside I was mad and frustrated, on the inside I was screaming and depressed.  It's hard watching your ex date someone else right in front of you.  My heart got broken every single day for those five months, I'm not sure how it's still beating.  Maybe that's one of the reason I'm so messed up with love lately.

Days like this I wish we were back together.  Still together.  I was a good woman for him, just not good enough.  

I loved him.  Maybe I still do.