lies, lies, lies

I did one of the hardest things I'll ever end up doing in my life today. I lied to my parents.
I told them about my getting transferred to the PB store. I told them that there was probably a small problem having to do with the woman that's replacing me (lie) at La Jolla and I'm replacing her at PB, plus the company pulls these random switches all the time (truth). I also told them that since I was going to PB, the company gave Brian the option to go to any store so we wouldn't have a conflict of interest in PB (true). Now I just have to deal with working with his current girlfriend and Chachi, Sara's ex (true). I plan on being really really nice to both of them, and everyone, all the time, just to prove those two wrong about whatever horrible things Brian may have told them about me (true).
I just never told my parents the real reason I'm getting transferred. This lie I'm living with is wreaking havoc on my soul. I can't keep big secrets like this. I hate that I have done this too myself. It's like that Killers song, "...It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss..." I chose to keep going on with this charade, even after being asked twice by my bosses if anything was going on. And even then, in the past few weeks, I haven't been interested in him anymore! The sex doesn't get better, there are a few quips about him that become more and more annoying to me.
I had the chance to end it all last night and I totally didn't. I had some wine and he came over and we went to a pub and talked. Stupid me said, "Let's flush the plan and go for it!" I'm such an idiot. But at the same time I told him to not expect any kind of "solid" relationship from me in the next six months, minimum. We had a nice time chatting, and he ended up staying the night, but we did not have sex.
Then tonight Sara and I had dinner with my folks, where I couldn't tell them the truth. On the car ride home my lie was exponentially growing inside me and eatin away at my soul - I really felt like I was dying on the inside.
Then just now, as I was in the middle of typing all this, I called Beau and laid all my cards out. That was the second hardest thing I hope to ever do in my life. I told him that for right now, we can be friends and only friends, nothing more. I babbled on through my tears, how I hated lying to my parents and EVERYONE except him and Sara. I can't live with any lies. No matter what we felt, this is what it has to be right now. I can't take the chance anymore of jeopardizing my career, even though I'm removed from the situation and there's no proof we were together, I still feel that somehow it'll come back to get me and I could face possible demotion or termination. I have nothing else going for me except this job (financially-wise) and in our current economic stress, I can't chance it anymore.
Even if I were to come clean to my parents, it'll be very hard for me to accept their harsh judgment, especially my mother's. They'll tell me how I should have known better and they'll look down on me for even thinking I could have gotten away with it, and why would I chance harming my career. And I know that everything they'd say would be right. I just don't feel like hearing it because I already know.
I just have to tell myself that it's for the best, that I wasn't being fair to Beau by going on having him think I felt strong for him. I let it go on long enough and was finally able to be completely honest. Well, I'd been honest the entire time, but had to come to this point where it would be dangerous for both of us if I let it continue. He should have known too, and he did, but since I am higher on the corporate ladder I have to be the one to make the big decisions because they affect me on a larger scale than they do him.
Breaking up is hard to do. I think I'd rather be the one broken up with than the breaker-upper. Even though it hurts on both ends. I will feel better, and he will feel better, as the days go on and pass us. I just hope that he finds someone who will be able to be freely in love with him. I only wish him the best and throw my support into anything he desires to pursue.
I'm hoping because we were never able to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, that we'll actually be able to be FRIENDS after all this, and still hang out and talk and stuff. Because I am still not friends with any of my serious ex's. But Beau isn't an "ex," so maybe it'll work out this time. Who knows. Things will hopefully work out for the best.

turned tables

So now that I've actually realized that sustaining a relationship with Beau is impossible, at least, until one of us is out of the store, I've backed off a lot from him. We would just have to live with being friends. So I stopped texting as much and bugging him as much. I wanted him to come to me if he wanted to be with me.
So he asked why I was so quiet and short with him, etc. I guess my retractiveness came off as bitter or anger with him? Anyways, that cleared up, and now that I backed off so much it in turn made him MORE attracted to me.
He helped me move, and ended up spending the night like three nights in a row. That kinda annoyed me but I didn't want to say otherwise - I mean, I had stuff to do! Him hanging around makes Kim counterproductive.
So he sent me a text last night saying he missed me, and if he could take me out Friday or Saturday. I reminded him my folks were in town. Then he said we could go out at another time, which I simply agreed. I had been busy at work and didn't want to spend a bulk of my time whipping out my phone, so he accused me of not feeling the way he did, and if not, wanted me to tell him. I couldn't believe his attitude so I told him I was busy and at work, and that he needs to relax - we are chill and have a good time together. "I'm being dumb, I'm sorry. Lately I've felt a lot more than I used to for you and that's why I've been so whiny and lame. It isn't anything you've done." I wasn't able to text him back until after work, and asked why he was feeling so strongly. He replied this morning saying that the more time we spend together, the more his feelings grow. Yikes.
This is how I should walk into relationships from the beginning. Not be so absorbed and obsessed in the budding stages, but rather pace myself and let the men come to me. Because then maybe at this point I would feel the same.
.....