false hopes

The start of my weekend went very well. Beau and I went to the PB Shore Club and had some beers. I made it a goal to get good and loaded, which I did. We then went to Miller's Field for one more beer when Beau told me he was falling in love with me. We both said we weren't dating anyone else. And if it weren't for work, we'd already be calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I was a little shocked but pleased to hear what he told me, and I felt guilty on the inside that I couldn't tell him the same back. I can't feel the way I want to feel because we do work together and I must hinder my feelings for him so I don't give myself away at work. I want to fall for this person and be with him all the time, but I've gotten into a rhythm where I've accepted my feelings for him. Once one of us is out of that store and we still feel the way we feel for each other, I can let my feelings skyrocket. Until then, I have to keep the key that opens the lock on my heart. Although on Thursday, I may have given that key away to him.
He almost didn't come over last night. His ex Ashleigh was inviting everyone to go to North Park and that included him. He almost went. And now he's at Friday's with other TJ people and she's one of them! I feel threatened and insecure by this. I feel like she's trying to get him back. He says it won't happen but that's not reassuring. I wanted his company again tonight. Well, maybe not as much as other nights, I suppose I get sick of him once in awhile and that's okay. I just feel lousy. We had a bad night last night (he made me feel bad that I couldn't get off quicker when he went down on me and his car got towed from my apartment's parking lot). I still feel bad when he had to pay $255 to get it out of the junkyard and now has no money. I wanted to make him dinner tonight so he could eat well and be with me. I wanted to take care of him. He was totally down with this idea too until he said Christina was inviting people out to Fridays. I don't want to hold him back from doing anything, so he chose the Friday's route. This is not the first time he's "cancelled" his plans on me, he's done it a few times. I wish he would commit to what he says he'll do first. Then again, I couldn't commit to the Mud Run today because I was drunk and up past 2am when I had to be out of the house by 5am today. That was a mistake.
Now I have to lock up my heart again and with that I have to be a little colder. I need to make sure I bury my feelings deep in cement before they grow and sprout into flowers. I don't want to keep playing this game of cat and mouse. Beau needs to decide if he really likes me the way he says he does and if he really wants to commit himself to me. I don't think he wants to and thus, I have to protect myself. I don't want to bother him anymore to come and be with me, I want him to want to be with me and want to come over and offer to come over before I ask him to.
I'm in a crabby mood. I'm bloated, bored, no cable, watched all the movies I care to watch, slept too much today so I'm not tired. And I cleaned the house already. It's Saturday night, I should be out on the town. Instead, I'm at home, on the couch, sulking. At least this blogging keeps me from texting Beau constantly. I'm halfway tempted to turn my phone off but I won't do that. I have some hope, false or not, that I'll hear somewhat good news. That's doubtful it'll happen. I should just put long pants on and get my iPod and walk to the beach. But being alone I'll look like a loser. Not that I care what other people think, but still. Maybe it's a good thing Beau isn't here because I'm sure as shit bored as hell. I think I'm just going to leave him alone for the rest of the night. I've already kind of soured it by bringing the Ashleigh thing up and being a pain in the butt.
Men are difficult.