false hopes

The start of my weekend went very well. Beau and I went to the PB Shore Club and had some beers. I made it a goal to get good and loaded, which I did. We then went to Miller's Field for one more beer when Beau told me he was falling in love with me. We both said we weren't dating anyone else. And if it weren't for work, we'd already be calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I was a little shocked but pleased to hear what he told me, and I felt guilty on the inside that I couldn't tell him the same back. I can't feel the way I want to feel because we do work together and I must hinder my feelings for him so I don't give myself away at work. I want to fall for this person and be with him all the time, but I've gotten into a rhythm where I've accepted my feelings for him. Once one of us is out of that store and we still feel the way we feel for each other, I can let my feelings skyrocket. Until then, I have to keep the key that opens the lock on my heart. Although on Thursday, I may have given that key away to him.
He almost didn't come over last night. His ex Ashleigh was inviting everyone to go to North Park and that included him. He almost went. And now he's at Friday's with other TJ people and she's one of them! I feel threatened and insecure by this. I feel like she's trying to get him back. He says it won't happen but that's not reassuring. I wanted his company again tonight. Well, maybe not as much as other nights, I suppose I get sick of him once in awhile and that's okay. I just feel lousy. We had a bad night last night (he made me feel bad that I couldn't get off quicker when he went down on me and his car got towed from my apartment's parking lot). I still feel bad when he had to pay $255 to get it out of the junkyard and now has no money. I wanted to make him dinner tonight so he could eat well and be with me. I wanted to take care of him. He was totally down with this idea too until he said Christina was inviting people out to Fridays. I don't want to hold him back from doing anything, so he chose the Friday's route. This is not the first time he's "cancelled" his plans on me, he's done it a few times. I wish he would commit to what he says he'll do first. Then again, I couldn't commit to the Mud Run today because I was drunk and up past 2am when I had to be out of the house by 5am today. That was a mistake.
Now I have to lock up my heart again and with that I have to be a little colder. I need to make sure I bury my feelings deep in cement before they grow and sprout into flowers. I don't want to keep playing this game of cat and mouse. Beau needs to decide if he really likes me the way he says he does and if he really wants to commit himself to me. I don't think he wants to and thus, I have to protect myself. I don't want to bother him anymore to come and be with me, I want him to want to be with me and want to come over and offer to come over before I ask him to.
I'm in a crabby mood. I'm bloated, bored, no cable, watched all the movies I care to watch, slept too much today so I'm not tired. And I cleaned the house already. It's Saturday night, I should be out on the town. Instead, I'm at home, on the couch, sulking. At least this blogging keeps me from texting Beau constantly. I'm halfway tempted to turn my phone off but I won't do that. I have some hope, false or not, that I'll hear somewhat good news. That's doubtful it'll happen. I should just put long pants on and get my iPod and walk to the beach. But being alone I'll look like a loser. Not that I care what other people think, but still. Maybe it's a good thing Beau isn't here because I'm sure as shit bored as hell. I think I'm just going to leave him alone for the rest of the night. I've already kind of soured it by bringing the Ashleigh thing up and being a pain in the butt.
Men are difficult.

smitten kitten

It has been a lovely last couple of days. :)
On Friday Beau and I went to a place called 3rd Corner in Sunset Cliffs (Ocean Beach). It's a wine shop and restaurant in one. We browsed some of the wines and he pointed out which ones his Dad sold to that restaurant. He even spoke with the manager upon check-in and knew his Dad so it was nice to get an easy foot in the door.
We picked out a Brunello from 2002 (don't really care but apparently it would have been a bigger deal if it was a 2001). The bartender uncorked it and then we got seated at our table. It would have been more romantic had we been at one of the corner booths but this was fine. Beau suggested we have a glass of champage, to "cleanse our pallets" for the appetizer course. I'm not one to turn down champagne, so we had a glass. Our appetizer was a dry cured meats plate with olives and bread. I also decided on the duck for the main course - I've never had duck and wanted to try. I let Beau do all the ordering. Normally I can order for myself but I had no idea what I was doing and was greatful for his leading. Then after we decided to order dessert and some more champagne, a pink bubbly this time. I got a chocolate bread pudding with berries and Beau got the best creme brulee I've ever tasted - made with genuine heavy cream, oh wow, it was yum-O. We were there for at least a couple hours and talking about work and everything. I have to say it was one of the best dates I've ever been on.
We came back and put in an episode of Nip/Tuck but I was so drunk with wine and charm and smitten-ness that I didn't pay attention to half of it. And of course we...how do I word our sex with each other? It's not "making love" - I certainly don't want to throw that word around at this point. It's not just "having sex," it's not "fucking," and I definitely won't recycle the "make whoopie" term. Gross. Well anyway, whatever it is, we did. I can't put into words how nice that date was. He of course, stayed the night. We decided to breakfast it up the next morning, starting with a morning shower. :DDD The water got shut off after about 15 minutes! So I had to hurry to put conditioner in my hair and we got dressed and walked next door to The Menu - one of my favorite breakfast places in San Diego (one of the only one's I've been to since I've lived here, but still, it's within walking distance, the service is good, and I love it). It was so great to have Beau all to myself for more than 12 hours at a time. Just lovely.
Yesterday Lisa was having her 30th birthday party. I made her a cock cake (hehehe) and stopped by work first to get her a nice bottle of wine for her birthday. Beau helped me pick out one for her and a white for me to drink and showed me the new syrah they tried the other day, which I also bought. It also happened to be his lunch hour (surprise, surprise) so he met me at my car and I drove us to Rubios. Afterwards I went to Lisa's and had sangria and cake and Ashleigh texted me at one point saying she was going and should she bring beer - I was thinking, "No! Don't come! Beau is going to be here and it's already a small gathering and I don't want it to be awkward!" But she showed up and we were all having a good time. At one point Ashleigh and I were talking and we were talking about him and her view on their breakup. I just listened and kinda put in my two cents for generic advice but tried not to give away too much information. Meanwhile I texted Beau saying the party wasn't that great, that (at the time) I was the only TJ person there and if he wanted to he could meet me back at my place and I'd leave soon. He agreed and I left the party. We had the syrah at home and he stayed the night again. I was sad that he had to leave so soon this morning to be at work one time by 10 a.m. Then soon enough it was my time to go to work. When I walked down to my car I saw that someone had written "I <3 U" in the dirty back window. At first I immediately thought Beau did it but it could have easily been Ashleigh or Lisa at her party, or even some random stranger who confused my car to belonging to someone else! So I asked Beau about it at work, and he said he did it last night when he came by. Waaaay too sweet, I fall for that kind of corny stuff constantly. Then when I got to my car tonight after work to drive home, I noticed there was an "I Miss U :)" in the rear left window. At this point I don't want to wash my car!
Beau, stop making me fall for you!! :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))