am i bipolar?

I think I may be bipolar everytime I fall for someone.
Yesterday was the second time I went girly psycho on Beau.
It's just not fair. Anthony was having a Black and White ball for him and his friends birthday - they do this every year. Anthony invited me via Facebook and even brought it up at work. Granted, I had to work til midnight the day of that event, but he said the party would go on til at least 3am, so I could come by afterwards. I even went and bought a nice low-cut white shirt and would wear it with my black dress pants and white dress shoes - meeting the attire requirements. Beau also said he was going but warned me there would be other people from TJ's there - so what, right? Well, I wanted to read into it as though he didn't want me there, thus leading me to questioning his feelings for me. So I ruffled his feathers a little last night and brought this up, to which he replied, "Jesus. I'm just trying to look out for you. Come if you want, you'll have fun. Just don't get drunk and get all over me. Not in public." Needless to say that message left me fuming with rage. Yeah right I'm going to be getting drunk anytime soon in front of my coworkers again! Hello, does anyone remember Bar Basic? Yeah, barely, but the memories are still there and I'm still licking my wounds from that. I wouldn't have even hung around him at the event - plenty of people from work were going to be there plus I'd want to meet some of Anthony's friends. How dare Beau assume and accuse me of committing those actions! Jerk.
Regardless, I was still battling emotions last night and for about 4 hours straight I wanted to burst into tears. Thank God I made it through my shift - I thought the last five hours would never end. When I texted Beau that I was seconds from crying, he said "Don't cry, take a breath and remember that tomorrow I'm gonna still be here. I'm still gonna be me and still gonna like you a lot. :)" Not enough reassurance sweetie. After that I didn't text him anymore at work. I was already stirring the pot, I really didn't feel like adding explosives to it and ruin his evening. I've done that many a time before and the repercussions aren't pleasing.
I got home around 12:30pm when he texted me that Melissa and Staley were hooking up - jeez, big surprise. The two largest whores in the store getting their freak on, whoopadeedo. It was somewhat amusing to also hear that Dana was pissed with this, as she regularly hooks up with Staley, and that her and Melissa are kinda besties at work. It'll be even more fun to watch their friendship plummet down the drain - Melissa betrayed her, as she does with all her friends. I wonder if Dana now feels served like how I did when I found out she blabbed about me and Beau? It will hopefully be a bittersweet symphony, after all. But I won't count my chickens before they hatch.
So Beau apparently was having a good time. I told him that was good and that at least one of us was happy. He must have sent me some drunk texts because he asked me twice how he could make me happy. Gee, you can't now darlin' because the actions have been committed! Had you not said anything negative to me I could have been having fun with you at the ball, like you said at 1:45am - "Wish you were here. Work peeps are gone :-/" JACKASS! So now you want me there now that all work people are gone??
Back to an hour previous - I talked to Lars on the phone, came clean about the whole me and Beau thing re: investigation. Also told him about tonight. Lars told me he understood with Beau because Beau is just trying to protect me and my career. I get that part, really, I do. It is sweet and kind that he doesn't want me to get in trouble and lose my career. It's just hard to think that way when you're jaded on love. I told Lars I am fully capable of separating my feelings from work and home, that Beau and I act 100% professional around each other at work. Still, I guess it boils down to me screwing up. Or falling harder for Beau than he is for me. Or if he is at all.
I just want to know where he stands on his feelings for me. I want to tell him, again, that I want a relationship with him. I am willing to wait to "come out" until he eventually quits or I eventually get transferred. Hell, I may get sick of waiting and say that it isn't going to work, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. I am borderline falling in love (dare I say it??) and I want what I want when I want it, pending that the other party is floating in the same boat as me.
I'm feeling a little better today - I really need to hold my head up high at work today and act like nothing's wrong. Stay positive. Put on the facade in front of Beau that everything is peachy and yesterday never really happened. That's not denial, haha :)
I wonder if Beau plans to hookup when he's away in Chicago next week. If so, good for him. Better for me if I find out because in my mind, that's betrayal. I don't care if we're not officially together. Then again ::whispers:: I did hook up with Daniel Friday night. Yeah, I can attribute that action to my moodiness yesterday. Guilty conscience. Oh well, Beau will never find out. I only told a couple people but if Beau questions me, I tell him that I had to tell that story, otherwise, who else did I get those hickeys from? Then again, he only looks dumb, right? I won't read into it too much, I barely told like 3 people. Meh.
So happy I had my coffee today. So happy that I didn't drink wine yesterday. Yeah, I really need to cool it on the alcohol consumption. Everytime I drink I really don't remember what I do and wonder why I have so many clothes on the floor the next morning. I need to get healthier.
Hold my head high, take a deep breath...and sigh.

ex's are ex's for a reason

I hate him.
I hate that I allow myself to be bothered what he says. I become bothered because I feel like he does it on purpose, to throw it in my face. I torture myself by visiting his Myspace, of all places! I see his headline and status update, and it's still set to "My girlfriend does Krank" but also he put some German phrase in his status line. When I found a translation for it, it said "KRANK is overpowered with joy, everytime he sees them."
Motherfucker...
I'm just having a bum day I guess. It was my Monday, and I didn't get to see Beau tonight, especially since I was getting pretty horny.
I feel like, and this is bad, he's getting annoyed with me. Maybe I just need to back off and let him want me and want to come to me. But I don't want to wait. I know what I want, when I see I want it, so I want it all any chance I get. I need to understand though that he can't always make time for me, especially since we're not in a relationship (and we're not supposed to be anyway). He went to his friends wedding today! I can't expect him to stay mellow at a celebration! Shit, if I were him, I'd be getting wasted at the party too!
I felt like I was giving him a hardtime/the cold shoulder tonight through texting when he said he may be up for it. I let myself get pissed or upset at first and then I had to reason with myself that he probably will be tired. He even offered to come by tomorrow evening so we'll see how that goes. I switched my shift from closing to 12-10 but hey, I may even go in at 11:30 and leave at 9:30p, we'll see. We'll have to text tomorrow and see if he really comes by or not. Again, I'm willing to lose an hour of sleep if I get an extra minute with him!
I want more wine.

How did this blog go from talking about my ex to talking about my future "beau"? A "beau" that could be a potential "ex"...
Jeez, I'm such a negative Nancy...

my new drug

The last month has been a bit tumultuous and daunting and stressful and erotic and crazy...how many more words can I describe it?
I made a big mistake through work. I got super drunk at our store event and made a couple inappropriate comments to some co-workers, puked in the women's room at the ballgame, and had to be escorted to the stadium infirmary and driven home by Beau. Because he drove me home, a handful of people automatically assumed we were having romantic relations. So note true, he was just taking me home because I obviously couldn't drive, right? Well, the two girls who started those rumors were Melissa and Dana. This caused a whole daunting and stressful investigation at my store conducted by Brett and Joe. They talked to me twice to get my story, same with Beau, and also talked to Melissa, Dana, Clayton and a handful of others. Then we all submitted our written and signed statements, and HR decided that there was inconclusive evidence because we had all had a bit to drink at the event and couldn't remember things clearly. So I got a final warning - my first and hopefully only warning during my Trader Joes career. I cashed in all my karma points that day and the big guy in the sky says it's not my time to royally fuck up so...I have a renewed sense of faith. I truly feel lucky and blessed. I'm also greatful that I wasn't the only tanked one at the game.
However...I feel extremely betrayed by Dana. I thought we were becoming good friends and then she had to go run her mouth and spread me and Beau rumors. During the whole two weeks of the investigation she wouldn't talk or even look at Beau or I. And now that it's all over, she's back to talking and gossiping with me. I'm giving in a bit and I believe I'm better at playing the catty girl games she loves to partake in. I'm pretending to be her friend back but our friendship will never be restored. She royally fucked up and it's going to be very hard for me to trust her again. Her and Melissa are perfect for each other - catty, gossipy, go out to Nunu's and hook up with random men...one day they're going to turn on each other hardcore and it's going to be ugly and hilarious at the same time.
Even after all this shit...I'm still dipping my pen in the company ink. Beau and I are together almost every night, it's wonderful and sick at the same time. We just watch movies and talk and mostly drink wine and of course sex is thrown in there too. We're always texting each other, at work and at home. I'm always asking him what he's doing after work or at night and about 90% he's more than willing to come over. We went to Point Loma Seafoods for lunch yesterday - he sent me a text afterwards thanking me for it and that it was wonderful. Then I asked him to come out with me to Altitude with Sara and her friends. We got kinda dressed up and Altitude was having a private party (booo) so we all went to Maloney's instead and had a blast. It was so nice to go out in public with him and be able to touch him, sit in his lap, kiss him...he looked so cute with his black with vertical stripes long sleeve button up shirt. And he did his hair a little too - looked classy. He had dry martinis and I had an overly sweet LIIT and then switched to Ketel tonics. I told him I would pick up our tab last night but he handed over his credit card first. Ugh! Jackass! :)
Double Ugh but not so much - gotta finish this later because he is coming over :DDD