I never EVER thought it would come down to this.
I never even saw it coming.
I want to blame myself for everything.
It's only been 48 hours but I feel like I can't stop crying.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM!
I danced around with suicidal thoughts today. I thought maybe if I drove my car off a cliff it could end all the pain. I hate going through this pain! It's horrible!
Why must we fall in love only to be set up with such hurt when it doesn't work? All relationships don't work! They always end, don't they?
I feel like that's the story of my life, everytime. I really thought this was the one for me, I was finally relieved of the lifelong search. At 23 I really believed that the person that walked into my life would be in my life the rest of my life. I believed so much that we would be married, and have kids, and he would always fall asleep next to me in our bed. Goddamn I'm going to miss that the most.
Every new development just makes me burst into tears. His six hour disappearance, his overnight stay somewhere else but here, the fact that he's made up his mind and stood his ground on having enough of it and not wanting to be with me, how he already took his name off our lease...
And when I got home tonight, I saw he already started packing up his glassware, and tears immediately sprung to my eyes. I planned on eating a salad after not eating all day, but I just lost my meager appetite again. Will he really be out in a week or will he linger around for a bit? My psyche is torn when I want him to be here but at the same time it makes me ill in my stomach and I want to leech out into screams and cries and I don't want him here at all. I want to keep some things that I cherish of his but at the same time I don't want them and if I kept them, I might throw them away or burn them. Which, if I tried to sneak in a picture of us in one of his packings, when he discovers it, will he destroy it or keep it?
His presence will be here for awhile - the little pubic hairs around the toilet, the smell of his bodywash in the shower, some pine needles from our Christmas tree that I still find around the place when I vacuum...the very fact that we moved into this place together, back into California, just living here in San Diego will be a painful reminder that I do not have him anymore.
I want to worry if he'll immediately begin seeing another woman but that thought just hurts me too much and I think for my wellbeing it's better off for me if I don't know what he is up to.
I want to be friends but I fear it won't work out - I'll let my emotions get in the way and because he refuses a relationship with me, then I have to refuse a friendship for both our sakes, even if it still hurts me. It may hurt me more to know that all I can get is a friendship from him, and even then, we're drawing a fine line at that.

God, please tell me why this couldn't work? Why is it when you lose something is when you truly appreciate it for everything it's worth? Why did I have to take advantage of it all? Why did I have to get so comfortable and forget that he even existed sometimes? Already, I miss cleaning up after him, one of the 5 things that bugged me the most about him. We were great in the beginning, and then one or two arguments sometime in the summer was the beginning, and the got more frequent and frequent and frequent. I got so many chances to start over and yet I abused the commodity of being forgiven. Not this time. This time it really is over.

I feel sick. I'm going to go pray and cry some more and read and...I don't know. I just don't know.