randomly bored

God I miss him so fucking much. And I don't want to!
I wish he'd call me again and that I can answer and talk. If not, I would hope that he would call me again and at least leave an address so I can write to him.
I'm bored. And tired. I don't think Molly is going to call so we can go get a drink. I don't really want to drink anyway. But I've got make-up on and I look cutie so I don't want to waste a good lookin' me. And I don't want to stay out late either. Maybe I don't know what I want.
I do know what I want. I was to go to Vegas in January. I want to go to Portland in March. Guess I'll have to wait to go to Greece in the spring of 2008.
Had I known that nothing would have happened tonight, I would have gone on a date with Kevin.
I'm so sick of my body right now. I made an attempt to run today. It took me 40 minutes to run 3.5 miles. I fuckin' suck and hate myself for this. Maybe I'll wake early tomorrow and try again. Gotta keep trying.
Maybe I'll take off my makeup, put on my lounge pants, and watch.....
Guess I'm not in the mood for another movie. Maybe I should just go to bed. Yuck.

Last night was interesting. I found out that clothes don't make the person. I was able to let loose on the dance floor wearing my work jeans, long sleeved gray shirt, and dirty sneakers, my hair in a messy bun, and minimal makeup. But I also needed about 4 drinks to do that as well. Molly and I made an unexpected visit at the Scorch bar and gave them a show on the dancefloor. We even danced with a few guys too. It was a crazy, fun night. I was a little hungover this morning. But all is fine now.

And in other news...


Why did he call me? "Hey, this is Dudley, I'm in basic training! It sucks. Well you missed my call because you don't answer from strange numbers. I'll talk to you later."

And then Alisa's note: "If you want to talk, that's fine with me. I already told you I wanted us to, but you retreated into this ball of bitterness and I could not penetrate it. You should know that I was the one cheated on... not you. Dudley was dating me and having sex with you at the same time...and he was lying about it. So, if you want to call anyone a slut, you should direct your verbal assults towards someone who really needs to hear it. My numbers the same when and if you need to talk to me."

Alisa's note I found humorous. Dudley's phone call, not so much. I'm upset with him. And I have a feeling that I just want to drop all acrimony with Alisa. I don't know what to do so for right now it's best to let it rest. Not talk to either. Let him be the jerk he is and continue doing what he does best - manipulation and flirtation. Let her do what she does best - open her legs and punch out kids.

do i want to remember this?

A couple nights ago, I had ANOTHER dream. This time, we had just broke up, and him and her were moving in together, all the while I was over at their new place. They would kiss in front of me like it was no big deal but at the same time it seemed a bit vindictive for them to do so. I finally left, crying, because I would never get him back. When I got to the intersection (I was walking home), I saw a dead cat - it was my cat. I became hysterical and frantically called him to come help me. They both showed up shortly after that, and then the dream ended.

Also...two nights ago, I met up with Molly and Veronica at Jillian's for a couple drinks. It was fun, but then I purposely became melodramatic when the song "I'll Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie came on, because it reminded me of Dudley. I really didn't want to melodramatic but more so wanted to make a statement I suppose. On the drive home from there, I called him and left a message - why oh why did I do it? I blabbed on how I hoped he was okay, and that maybe us breaking up was a mistake, and I really believed we were meant to be together, and that I hope he calls/visits when he's back in town for Christmas. I won't know how to explain myself when/if he questions my message. I guess just laugh it off and admit that the sober life is not for me....not yet, anyway. :)