no escape

Even after he leaves, I STILL have nightmares about him cheating on me!!!

I was driving by the neighborhood I went to high school in. I saw him walking with friends that he went to school with - they were all wearing tan slacks and white polos. I told myself I wouldn't drive by to "spy" on him, but I couldn't help myself. I drove by hoping he'd recognize my car, but I don't remember what happened after that.

Somewhere in the dream he cheated on me with this girl I used to be friends with in grade school, who I'm sure is now a lesbian - she even looks like a total dyke! But then I told him I never wanted to see him again. Later on, a friend I was with found them MAKING OUT in MY BEDROOM when we stopped by my apartment for a couple minutes! I couldn't believe the nerve they had! I didn't notice until later that the girl he cheated on me with was wearing my orange running shorts, and he was wearing something of mine as well.

Why do I keep having these dreams of him cheating on me? We've been broken up for a couple of months now, and the damage of him really cheating on me has been done...so why do these dreams still haunt me? What does it all mean? I'll have to research this. I'm thinking it probably means that I'm not over him or still love him or something, because, yes, it's all true.


I went back to match.com on impulse. I'm thinking I might sign up for 3-6 months or something. I'd like to meet people and start dating again. Hopefully Brooke and I go out sometime to dance or whatever and meet people as well.
Now I'll go analyze my dreams...

promotion!!!

Last Friday I received word that I got promoted at Trader Joes. I knew it was going to happen - I foreshadowed when too, and if I had been wrong, c'est la vie - it would have happened eventually. But my captain didn't know where I was going yet, so I kept the news quiet until then. Yesterday I found out I was being shipped off to the North Scottsdale store - just as easy of a drive as my current commute. I'm excited, I even got to talk to my new boss briefly while all my current managers were in a meeting and I got to be the next in command to hold the fort down at the store. Today, I went to visit my new store. The captain, Paul, wasn't in, but I got to meet my first mate, Bobi, and found out I would be working with a guy that I worked with in Sun City, so now I have a couple comrades when I start out. I report Monday MORNING at 4AM. NUTS!!! And even more nuttier - I have to be in at 3AM the next morning. Paul likes to open the store at 8am instead of 9am and close at 10pm instead of 9pm. Oh boy, am I in for a ride...but hey, I gotta take it in stride and stand back and breathe...more than once in awhile.
Dudley is back from L.A. He came in the store this morning but only said "Hi" to me and half-hugged me. I was surprised to see that he had dropped by but kind of mad because...I knew he'd find Alisa too. Then I saw Alisa went on break and ran across the street - she HAD to have been going out to lunch with him, which bothered me so much I was distracted for an hour and cried a little. This is one of the main reasons I'm GLAD I'm getting out of that store - I can't handle that tension and underlying hostility I have for the both of them.
After work I stopped by his place real quickly. I ended up having ANOTHER spazz attack, crying that I wouldn't get to see him again after that moment because I had to get back to my mother that was waiting for me at my apartment, and Friday I was busy, so I only had Thursday but he might be hanging out with his Dad or Grant tomorrow. Fuck man! I made him promise me we'd hang out tomorrow, I even hurt both his arms to assure his promise, which still didn't mean a damn thing to me anyway - he's a wishy washy person when it comes to making promises.
After having an afternoon of visiting my store, having dinner with my mom, and playing a card game, I sent him a message asking him to call me, then figured, I'll just drive over there and just ask for a minute of his time. That minute turned into more than a few, and I told him how I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I had missed him and I was sorry for acting uber melodramatic earlier on. I told him that I went and saw the store, but now I was getting more nervous and a little scared about what I'm stepping into. We talked a little and things are okay. I'm going over there tomorrow after work and we'll do something, not sure. It'll be the last time I'll see him in a long time, could be forever, who knows? I know I'll cry. It'll suck, but it'll be alright. Everything turns out alright in the end.

sneak peek in my twisted mind

Gwen, when I listen to your song, "Cool,"...must you make me miss him this much?

Damn you, Gwen.

I don't want to call him. I want him to call me. But if he doesn't (which is very likely), I won't be upset. I really don't have much to say anyway except that I ran 10 miles today. The most I've ever run. And now my belly looks like I'm 4 months pregnant, which I'm NOT. I didn't even eat all that much today like I have in the past couple of days.

The only good part about being depressed was the lack of appetite. Oh yeah...and I won't drink coffee for awhile because a few days ago I had my usual two cups and I feigned sickness at work but really I think I psychosomaticised (word, sp?) myself into thinking I truly was sick, even though I was perfectly fine. I just wanted to get a reaction out of Alisa when I told her I hadn't gotten my period in a week thus far, which isn't true, at least, not yet to my knowledge. I want her to think I'm having a pregnancy scare with Dudley's baby, which again, is not true. I WANT HER TO CONFESS THAT SHE FUCKED HIM!!! So I've been avoiding her at work. And I made her SWEAR that she don't tell anybody about my so-called "scare," including Dudley. My story is that I wouldn't want to tell him unless it's absolutely positively correct that I'm "pregnant," even though I'm not. "Why scare him when it may not be true? And if it is true, I won't tell him anyway because he's leaving, I wouldn't want that to be a distraction." Heh heh heh. I'm bored, I like to create drama. But the bottom line - I WANT HER TO CONFESS THAT SHE FUCKED HIM!!!

Maybe I'll call him because I'm tired and about to go to bed and I don't want him calling me an hour after I fall asleep because I will be awake FOR-EV-ER!!!

one

Is truly the lonliest number that you'll ever do...

I've been so bored, but more so, so lonely lately. Being single sucks...in the beginning anyway. I go to work, come home and waste my life away here. This is why I am a drama queen - drama provokes LIFE and INTRIGUE in my life, I THRIVE on drama and passion. Without it I am nothing, as I am right now. I have no inspiration.
And God dammit I miss him. I still want him to leave but at the same time I don't because I will miss him so much. I talked to him last night and told him that I felt alone. He said I wasn't alone, my guess was that he was implying that I wasn't alone as long as he was in my life. Maybe so...but I really would enjoy some physical company. Whether it's his own or one of my few girlfriends or even a cat. I always enjoy my mom's company but I can't keep relying on it and going over to the house everytime I'm bored and lonely.
Just realized that the word "one" is in the word "lonely."
Things I'm looking forward to: Saturday, because I'm going to Tucson to visit Mary and Lars; next weekend, because I get to go to Long Beach, CA for the half marathon; getting promoted for my job and getting out of that store; going to Portland after Christmas; and...
I'm not sure if I should look forward to Dudley coming home for a week before he goes to boot camp because I don't think I'll get to spend any time with him. He's having a going away get-together at Rosie's next Friday, but I plan on not going. I'll possibly be leaving that night for Long Beach, if not, early that next morning. I won't be back til Sunday night, and then I'll have to work early that Monday, and he leaves that Tuesday.
I hate looking forward to my time off in my home. Something about this place that keeps me depressed.
God, take me away from this hell...

am i getting over him?

Just thought I'd share the following in regards to the conversation (or attempt to have one) I had with Dudley on the phone last night:

10:07pm 10/1/06

Wow - never realized how

ANNOYING

the spoiled little brat is.
Okay, so when people CALL me, I expect they want to TALK to me, not CHECK IN with me. What kind of a person does that? (Unless you're a submissive girlfriend or a whipped boyfriend, to which Dudley is neither.) Never in my last five years of friendships have I had ANY friend call me "just to check in with me." They call me because they want to TALK to me.
And when I call him back after two purposefully missed calls from him, he doesn't WANT to talk. Well what the fuck did you call me for then? Douchebag. He says he's bored and upset and just wants to be alone. Well, I'll bet that if one of his L.A. friends had shown up at his doorstep that minute he'd want some company, to which I'd understand if he didn't want to talk on the phone with me. But seriously...did he have to be so WHINY about it? Double douchebag.
Whatever Dudley, then don't "check in with me." I don't miss you. Loser. Haha.