How many times does this blog have the word "emotion" in it?

I just might keep myself up all night trying to decide what to do.
I know what I have to do, but my heart tells me otherwise.
The pain that I'm experiencing is something that I'm causing myself - I have nobody to blame. People might hurt me, but whether I choose to suffer or not is my choice. I can't blame it on the person that hurt me. I may suffer a great deal because in general, it's a part of the healing process. However, I should not bring people down with me. Like I told myself before - I might throw myself a pity party, but nobody is going to come to it.
I definitely have a few apologies to dish out, but I feel they may not be enough. But that's all I have left to give. I have nothing. I have hit rock bottom. All I can give is a sincere apology and a promise to attempt to change myself for the better. Whether people accept my apology or not is up to them. Hopefully these people will be stronger and wiser than I have been lately and choose to accept my apology. It might be awkward at first, but it will teach me a lesson.
I used to live a life full of no regrets. I might have wanted to regret something in my past but forced myself to not only not regret my decision, but to look at it as a challenge and a lesson learned (if I learned it at that point in time). Well, two nights ago, might be my first regret. I don't regret going out and having fun, because I did have some fun. I do regret drinking. Drinking is not my problem, I can be responsible with it, but did I choose to be responsible with alcohol? No. I drank for emotional reasons. Thank God I didn't lose control, drinking-wise. Emotionally-wise, I lost it...oh, maybe three years ago, who knows. But it keeps creeping back to my heart and I lose it again, like I did Friday night. I regret drinking emotionally, because when I do, I act out emotionally. Over-emotionally. I've decided that I'm the most emotionally destructive human being when I emotionally drink. I'm already hurt to begin with, but when I kill myself slowly with those Long Island Ice Teas, I start to kill those around me. I get angry and then have to drag the innocent bystanders onto my side, but I'm the only one playing for my team. In the end, I feel horrible. I know what I've done. I've thrown down hurtful words and was brutally honest. Brutal being the key word. In the end, I feel horrible, and the people I've hurt feel horrible too. That's something that can definitely be avoided.
I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time. The first time, I emotionally drank and it caught up with me. Subconcious thoughts went spewing from my mouth and I couldn't stop it. Word vomit is a definite phrase to word it all. I hurt someone. But I wonder if things that I said when drunk should become null and void the next morning? Probably not. That's one of the many consequences of drinking more than you can handle. Hopefully I will learn my lesson this time. I want to vow to never drink again, but I want to make it official and do it in front of the founder of AA or something.
Anybody that reads this more than likely assumes I'm melodramatic. You're right, but...this is how I think. I can't help it. I'm over-analytical of just about everything. I'm a woman. I'm a Cancer. I've been burned by love. I'm not sure what other excuse to throw out there to back up my reasoning for wearing the Drama Queen crown. I want to resign my position, I really do, but nobody is more fit for the position than I.
Anyway, I've been thinking today. In order to move on from my current emotional pain, I have to decide that I won't allow Dudley to hurt me anymore. He doesn't do anything and he still hurts me, but I can't let that hurt me anymore. We're broken up, we'll never get back together. In the words of MacBeth, "What's done is done." Once I allow myself freedom from that emotional misery, I can be happy again. And maybe, just maybe, him and I can be...friends. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends cannot be friends with each other until they are completely and emotionally over each other. Then can be emotionally friendly, but not emotionally in love. Besides, I think it's better to have a friend than to have nothing at all. And the way I've been, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be my friend. I scare people.
I need to let go of the jealousy. He will like Christina more than me because she's probably a very nice girl and has no insecurities about her body or her relationship status, whereas I've been the complete opposite.
Here's why I'm jealous and insecure: I don't consider myself pretty. I'm a girl, and by American societal standards, we will never be pretty enough. Once guys start dating fat girls regularly, we'll be more confident, but until then...this is what we have to deal with. We can blame men for our insecurities because we fear they will always pick the prettier, easier girl to be with than pick us for our valuable qualities. So because I don't consider myself pretty, I'm afraid that my mate will have wandering eyes and see something better he likes. The wandering eyes I cannot stop, so when they land on someone else and he starts talking to them, I make immediate assumptions that he wants to be with her and not me anymore, making me extremely jealous. What does she have that I don't? Then I become more insecure about myself when I compare my flaws to the enemy's perfections. And that people, is why I'm insecure and jealous.
But maybe, just maybe, I can drop the insecurity. Who CARES what other women think of me? If I have a tummy pooch, big freaking deal. If I think it's cute, that's all that should matter. Because if I think something is cute on me, it shows in my smile, and I radiate confidence. People notice confidence, and then flash forward over a few assumptions, those people might become jealous of MY confidence. But should I care? No, because I like me for me, and I'm confident, and that's all that should matter. What I think about myself, not what others think about me.
It's okay to be a little jealous - I figure somebody will always have something I want or will never get. But I shouldn't let it bother me. I should be happy with what I have or what I can get. If it's something I'll never get, I should get over it and move on with my life. Why sweat the small stuff? We have one life to live and we should make the best of it. This means I should get over worrying about having small breasts. At least I've got a good butt. :)
I think I feel better. This is the first of many for me. I still have to apologize to those three people. I still feel humiliated about my behavior and how I treated them, but when it comes to facing them, I have to swallow my pride and give it my all. Because all I have left to give is my sincere apology. I'm tired of hurting people and I'm tired of hurting myself.
It all comes back down to me.
Kind of a Catch-22. All of this pain does come back down to me because I'm the one feeling it and putting it on other people's shoulders, but it sounds egotistical because I'm saying it is all about me. Well, in this case, it's true. But I mean it in the least egotistical way.
It will be hard and dirty, the emotional healing. But time doesn't stop for anything, and soon enough, I hope, things will get better. I will heal and be a better Kim. A better Kim is a better everyone. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, people see my emotions. If I'm happy, they're happy.
Let's get happy. Right now.

"Emotion" word count: 14.