terrible dreams

I met up with Dudley on a ride similar to a cross between "It's A Small World" and "Splash Mountain." He was waiting off to the side for Alisa but I happened to convince him to do down the water flume and talk to me. We got down to the bottom, me first, then him. Then we decided to talk later.
The next day, I had to work with Alisa for a little bit and I dished out a couple catty comments to her in the office. She reacted like she normally did with her annoying laugh. Then I walked by the produce section where she was talking to Linda and a couple of other crewmembers about her "times" with Dudley and what their future plans were. I walked by like I hadn't listened in on the conversation but was secretly eavesdropping. It was obvious that I was idling by and I think they knew to but decided to keep their voices down anyway.
Back at the same park from the day before, I saw a rumpled up maroon blanket. I had replayed the events in my mind- I saw them rolling around by a pool outside. He was on top of her and was kissing her neck. She looked like she was in heaven. That's when I realized the rumpled blanket meant they had fucked again. At this point, they were trying to develop a serious relationship, even though he was still leaving for the military in a couple of weeks.
Why her? Why make her the last "fling"/relationship he has before he leaves and not let his relationship with me be the be all and end all of his relationships before going to the Air Force?
I think this dream makes me realize...I can't talk to him again, at least, not for a long time.
I might have dreampt all this because I called Alisa yesterday but she was working. Dudley never called me like he said he would.
I hate them both.

mistake?

Why did I do it? Why?
Why did I rejoin Myspace?
I somewhat hope it doesn't last long...

Slap in the face

I've spent the day laying on the couch trying to be as comfortable as possible. I am hungover. I've also done a lot of thinking and revisiting last night's confessions. All I wanted to do was get drunk and have sex!
Anyways, we picked up a bottle of rum and headed home. Finally opened and drank the Vintage Ale from earlier this year. And my drinks are smoother than glass so they went down real easily. Then came the so-called slap:
Dudley wanted to tell me something that might hurt me but he needed to be honest. I figured, hey, I'm numb with alcohol and whatever shock it is won't be so bad than if I had been drinking water.
Sometime after we broke up, he and Alisa kissed. And then maybe at that same time, they had sex.
I told myself to not freak out, and I would have been okay if Dudley hadn't said "Don't cry/freak out." But then I started to cry a little and had to take off the sexy eyeliner job I'd done because I didn't want the black tears to run down onto my white tank top. I went into the bathroom and spent a little time in there, peeing and I began to cut my wrist in the same spot I had done three years ago with the little "A" charm on my star bracelet. "A" for Alisa. I got out, and yelled at him to leave, but then I stopped myself and said, "You know what? Don't leave. This might help. I'll just imagine you as my brother and you can imagine me as your sister, that way the pressure is off and it might help me get over you." Then we chose to forget that awful twenty minute span of time, but not before I poured a cup full of ice and soda pop down his "favorite" blue polo shirt. Haha :)
But then he didn't sleep in my bed with me. I don't remember what time I passed out, it must have been after midnight. I woke up around 5am and took one of the longest pisses of my life, but I was only wearing a thong. Then he woke me up a few hours later and said he was going to walk home. I think I was still a little drunk so I tried to pass back out again. I finally woke up at 10am and have been hibernating on the couch all day long. I can't do much more due to the delicate situation my stomach is experiencing.
Bottom line, I know what it feels like now: I was cheated on. Technically I wasn't, as I could have been promiscuous and chose to sleep with someone else in the fragile days after a breakup, but I'm not like that. I had my time in Florida and it was fun but the behavior disgusts me now. Sex is something special shared between two people that love each other. I cheated before and the repercussions didn't hit me much, but now; now I know what it's like to be on the other side of the tracks. It fucking sucks. I'm not sure whether I should just let it go or continue to dwindle on it a bit more. I guess because I'm not crying about it now, I'm healing. Still, Dudley knew I was in a delicate emotional state, and you can't hide secrets like that, especially when you drink! If he was any kind of decent human that still cared about my feelings, he wouldn't have done that. And Alisa - speak for herself! I thought I wanted to be friends with her, and her the same with me! FUCKING SLUT. Why would you do that to one of your girlfriends? Whatever happened to "sisters before misters"? I'm pretty sure it's an unwritten law to never sleep with your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, I don't care how attractive he might be. She messed up, big time, and so did he.
There's a work meeting tomorrow night. I want to call her out on her actions. And never talk to her again.
Am I promoted and out of that store yet? Is Dudley in Texas yet?

It actually went the way I wanted it to.
I went on an 8 mile run yesterday, the farthest I've ever run in one session. The whole time I got to think about this big mess I've put myself in. In the end, I decided it was all so silly, and that I'm just going to laugh at myself in the end about all my behavior and how I put myself through all this useless stress. But hey, it's a way to deal with it, and it sucks, but there's no other way I know how to deal with it. I'm going to hurt and only time can heal.
Anyways, I wanted to share some positive thoughts with him yesterday and called him, but reached his voicemail. I knew he was working, but that maybe he didn't answer because I had delivered some harsh words only a few hours ago. He called back a couple hours later but I had gone to bed.
I didn't count on him to call me back today, so I called him and shared my thoughts:
I'm very proud of him for taking this big step in his life, as well as taking responsibility for himself. He's picking a direction. Some people at this age have no idea what they want to do with their life, I'm lucky I figured it out at 22. He may have not figured it out at 25, but he's doing something about it to help himself out at 25. Some people still don't do that. I support him 100% and have his back, I will be there for him. Even though the phone calls may be few and far in between, they will still be made and I will still hear from him. I won't call him, he'll have to call me. I'm sure they don't allow cell phones in military barracks.
I'm healing.
Alisa and I made dinner tonight. Fried eggplant with mozzarella and marinara and steamed asparagus and carrot cake rice cream. I haven't eaten that much but I didn't run today. I will run tomorrow.
I'm healing.

Is it the 22nd yet?

Why do I let him get to me?
I fucking hate his guts right now. My thoughts are all in a jumble and it's keeping me awake. I may be awake til 3AM or later, who knows. I want to wake up at 8AM so I can go for a run. I'm not sure that's going to happen. I already have a headache thinking about it on top of what I've been thinking about already.
I fucking hate him and I want to tell him to go to hell.
I hate how he flirts with every single girl...and in front of me to boot! Last Friday at Rosie's I had to force myself to look away when I saw him get up and pull Ashley up to dance. It was short, but still, very flirty. Doesn't he have any respect for me? I've told him over and over and over again how I still have feelings for him and how crappy he makes me feel when he does this to me. Alisa has had to tell him this too, because, after all, they ARE "best friends." I fucking hate that term. Why did he have to move in on her right as she started working at our store? All of this time, I have a feeling that he never did care for me or like me. He is destined to remain single and flirt with girls. Twenty years from now he will have a beer gut, still trying to flirt with girls our age, and will be miserably single for the rest of his life.
This headache is getting worse. And I need another cigarette.
I want to cry but I have to force myself to be a big girl because I've cried more than I ever wanted to over our relationship and ex-relationship.
I even tried to not call him. That turned into dialing his number and then hanging up as soon as I heard the other end ring. I tried leaving my phone off and at home for a couple days. I tried lying, saying that I had lost my phone, but when I texted him an hour ago saying that I had found my phone and that "WE NEED TO TALK," I knew it was useless. I'm a spineless jellyfish - I can't let go of him. That's why I'm really really REALLY looking forward to Thursday - when he takes a bus to L.A. to visit with friends and family before he goes to Texas. Loser - he's taking the bus. I really don't want to think or talk about or to this jerk anymore because I'm sick of it! I've talked about everything with him and about him! Enough is enough! There's nothing more to interrogate or read into! I can't wait until he leaves - I want him out of my life. It'll be much easier for me to heal when I don't have to think about him everyday because I have the opportunity to talk and see him everyday. He'll be in the next state over, being way too busy and having a ball living it up before he gets the ol' military ball and chain strapped to his ankle. Far be it for me to throw anymore drama in his face. Because that drama does come back to me and I'm tired of it.
I just want to go to sleep! I may be more stressed now about falling asleep sooner than I am about him. He makes me sick. He makes me smoke. He makes me stressed. He makes me sad. He makes me mad. He makes me confused. He makes me jealous. He makes me depressed. He makes me think too hard. He makes me read too deep into situations. He makes me want to rip out my hair. He makes me want to slap him.
Thursday, please come sooner than later. I really want him to feel sorry for what he's done to me. I can't believe I believed him when he said he'd protect me and always care for me. What a fuckin' douchebag liar. I can't trust him. Ever. He will always be a little boy.
Times like these make me want to reject food in every form. Then maybe I could get skinnier.
I fucking hate you Dudley. Go to hell. I hope your Dad finds the Guinness in your fridge so he bans you from home and that you can never return. Then I hope you come groveling to me asking for help and a temporary roof on your head, and because karma's a bitch, I will turn you away. Fuck you. You make my heart hurt. You make my eyes cry. You turn my smile upside-down. You make me want to kick and scream like a little Gucci pig (whatever that means). And now, you're making me tired by keeping me awake, thinking about all this, and you're making my wrist hurt because I had to type all of this.
There is no blaming me. It's all your God-damned fault.

Reconstruction

Ultimately, I am feeling better.
Dudley never called me back, like he promised. I can forgive him for that. He is a forgetful person anyway. I called him this morning but reached his voicemail. Hopefully he will call me back today. If not, then maybe he's a changed person. I've changed for the better but he hasn't given me a chance to proove it yet.
Anyhow, I called Alisa after I tried calling him. Turns out she wasn't mad at me at all - she was mad at Dudley because he was too drunk to get into Margarita Rocks for dancing, and that's all Alisa wanted to do was dance!! I didn't expect that answer at all. She understood why I broke out crazy like I did the other night, but I still felt the need to apologize for halting the good times we were having. She was also mad at Dudley for talking on the phone with Christina because he had been talking for a long time and she knew it was going to upset me.
It's funny how he only calls and talks to her when he's drunk. Doesn't that say something?
But I'm very very happy that Alisa isn't mad at me. I feel like I know her well enough that she wouldn't say she was mad at Dudley instead of me just to spare my feelings. We're women, we're Cancers, we've been burned by love. I feel that maybe Friday night might have seemed to put some dirt on the friendship, but something got planted in that dirt. Somethings going to grow in that dirt - a strong, bonded, wonderful friendship. I look forward to having that with Alisa. We've already made plans to go out dancing on Thursday night. Izzy wants to go salsa dancing but I guess he, Alisa, and Dannin went on Saturday night and Alisa didn't like getting picked up by the short, kinda fat, VERY Mexican guys there. Yuck, I wouldn't like that either. So maybe we'll try to convince Izzy to come with us to Margarita Rocks or somewhere in Scottsdale to dance.
I really do feel better. Maybe I'll feel even more better when Dudley calls. Or maybe I won't. In the past, I usually haven't felt better when he called. I dont' want to oust him, but I somewhat want to cut him out of parts of my life. Just to kill the pain on the spot.
I almost can't wait for September 22nd. He's going out to California then to visit with friends before he goes off to Boot Camp. Then he'll come back to Phoenix on October 9th, I think. And go to San Antonio on October 17th. That's in another month. I almost can't wait. It'll be better once he's gone. For the both of us.

I can't end this without writing about the dream I had last night, in anticipation of him calling me, when he didn't:
I was spending time with him at his Dad's house, and his dad was about to come home. Dudley wanted me to leave, but I stayed anyway. His dad felt obligated to invite me to stay for dinner, and by then Dudley's sister was over there. They had hamburgers, and by the time they were all done eating I was still putting condiments on my burger. I was sitting on one side of the table, Dudley sat at the opposite end of the table, next to him was his sister, and next to his sister and across from me was his Dad. I hurried up to finish after they cleared the table. They were all watching television in the living room when I finally cleared my plate. Then Dudley, his sister Sheila, and I went for a drive.
Dudley didn't really talk to me and neither did Sheila - they were both upset with me and what I'd done to Dudley. Sheila was driving and Dudley and I were in the backseat. As a last attempt for forgiveness, I made Dudley cookies, but he didn't want any. Sheila stopped the car in a neighborhood I didn't recognize, and her and Dudley went inside - they were staying with their aunt and I had nowhere to go. So I went to the airport to fly back home, but when I got there, I had my perfume in my carryon. The airport didn't allow any liquid chemicals in carryon bags because of the attempted England terrorist attacks. I was upset and was forced to throw it away.

Kim

How many times does this blog have the word "emotion" in it?

I just might keep myself up all night trying to decide what to do.
I know what I have to do, but my heart tells me otherwise.
The pain that I'm experiencing is something that I'm causing myself - I have nobody to blame. People might hurt me, but whether I choose to suffer or not is my choice. I can't blame it on the person that hurt me. I may suffer a great deal because in general, it's a part of the healing process. However, I should not bring people down with me. Like I told myself before - I might throw myself a pity party, but nobody is going to come to it.
I definitely have a few apologies to dish out, but I feel they may not be enough. But that's all I have left to give. I have nothing. I have hit rock bottom. All I can give is a sincere apology and a promise to attempt to change myself for the better. Whether people accept my apology or not is up to them. Hopefully these people will be stronger and wiser than I have been lately and choose to accept my apology. It might be awkward at first, but it will teach me a lesson.
I used to live a life full of no regrets. I might have wanted to regret something in my past but forced myself to not only not regret my decision, but to look at it as a challenge and a lesson learned (if I learned it at that point in time). Well, two nights ago, might be my first regret. I don't regret going out and having fun, because I did have some fun. I do regret drinking. Drinking is not my problem, I can be responsible with it, but did I choose to be responsible with alcohol? No. I drank for emotional reasons. Thank God I didn't lose control, drinking-wise. Emotionally-wise, I lost it...oh, maybe three years ago, who knows. But it keeps creeping back to my heart and I lose it again, like I did Friday night. I regret drinking emotionally, because when I do, I act out emotionally. Over-emotionally. I've decided that I'm the most emotionally destructive human being when I emotionally drink. I'm already hurt to begin with, but when I kill myself slowly with those Long Island Ice Teas, I start to kill those around me. I get angry and then have to drag the innocent bystanders onto my side, but I'm the only one playing for my team. In the end, I feel horrible. I know what I've done. I've thrown down hurtful words and was brutally honest. Brutal being the key word. In the end, I feel horrible, and the people I've hurt feel horrible too. That's something that can definitely be avoided.
I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time. The first time, I emotionally drank and it caught up with me. Subconcious thoughts went spewing from my mouth and I couldn't stop it. Word vomit is a definite phrase to word it all. I hurt someone. But I wonder if things that I said when drunk should become null and void the next morning? Probably not. That's one of the many consequences of drinking more than you can handle. Hopefully I will learn my lesson this time. I want to vow to never drink again, but I want to make it official and do it in front of the founder of AA or something.
Anybody that reads this more than likely assumes I'm melodramatic. You're right, but...this is how I think. I can't help it. I'm over-analytical of just about everything. I'm a woman. I'm a Cancer. I've been burned by love. I'm not sure what other excuse to throw out there to back up my reasoning for wearing the Drama Queen crown. I want to resign my position, I really do, but nobody is more fit for the position than I.
Anyway, I've been thinking today. In order to move on from my current emotional pain, I have to decide that I won't allow Dudley to hurt me anymore. He doesn't do anything and he still hurts me, but I can't let that hurt me anymore. We're broken up, we'll never get back together. In the words of MacBeth, "What's done is done." Once I allow myself freedom from that emotional misery, I can be happy again. And maybe, just maybe, him and I can be...friends. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends cannot be friends with each other until they are completely and emotionally over each other. Then can be emotionally friendly, but not emotionally in love. Besides, I think it's better to have a friend than to have nothing at all. And the way I've been, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be my friend. I scare people.
I need to let go of the jealousy. He will like Christina more than me because she's probably a very nice girl and has no insecurities about her body or her relationship status, whereas I've been the complete opposite.
Here's why I'm jealous and insecure: I don't consider myself pretty. I'm a girl, and by American societal standards, we will never be pretty enough. Once guys start dating fat girls regularly, we'll be more confident, but until then...this is what we have to deal with. We can blame men for our insecurities because we fear they will always pick the prettier, easier girl to be with than pick us for our valuable qualities. So because I don't consider myself pretty, I'm afraid that my mate will have wandering eyes and see something better he likes. The wandering eyes I cannot stop, so when they land on someone else and he starts talking to them, I make immediate assumptions that he wants to be with her and not me anymore, making me extremely jealous. What does she have that I don't? Then I become more insecure about myself when I compare my flaws to the enemy's perfections. And that people, is why I'm insecure and jealous.
But maybe, just maybe, I can drop the insecurity. Who CARES what other women think of me? If I have a tummy pooch, big freaking deal. If I think it's cute, that's all that should matter. Because if I think something is cute on me, it shows in my smile, and I radiate confidence. People notice confidence, and then flash forward over a few assumptions, those people might become jealous of MY confidence. But should I care? No, because I like me for me, and I'm confident, and that's all that should matter. What I think about myself, not what others think about me.
It's okay to be a little jealous - I figure somebody will always have something I want or will never get. But I shouldn't let it bother me. I should be happy with what I have or what I can get. If it's something I'll never get, I should get over it and move on with my life. Why sweat the small stuff? We have one life to live and we should make the best of it. This means I should get over worrying about having small breasts. At least I've got a good butt. :)
I think I feel better. This is the first of many for me. I still have to apologize to those three people. I still feel humiliated about my behavior and how I treated them, but when it comes to facing them, I have to swallow my pride and give it my all. Because all I have left to give is my sincere apology. I'm tired of hurting people and I'm tired of hurting myself.
It all comes back down to me.
Kind of a Catch-22. All of this pain does come back down to me because I'm the one feeling it and putting it on other people's shoulders, but it sounds egotistical because I'm saying it is all about me. Well, in this case, it's true. But I mean it in the least egotistical way.
It will be hard and dirty, the emotional healing. But time doesn't stop for anything, and soon enough, I hope, things will get better. I will heal and be a better Kim. A better Kim is a better everyone. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, people see my emotions. If I'm happy, they're happy.
Let's get happy. Right now.

"Emotion" word count: 14.

Oops I did it AGAIN

So I did it again.
I got drunk and became super psycho.
Let me just clear my name right now, that I only get super psycho when drunk around DUDLEY. Because he has to go off and talk talk talk on his damn cell phone with CHRISTINA. Now...why can't he talk talk talk on his cell phone with ME? So what if you see me everyday.
I kinda wish someone had a video camera and taped all my actions and outbursts yesterday just so I would be forced to watch it over and over again today to see how much of a fuck-up I am.
Him and Alisa and I made a night out in Tempe last night. We started at Ra for some sushi and sake bombers. I was a little upset earlier with Dudley because I wanted to be AT Ra at 7pm but he wasn't ready UNTIL 7pm. So we picked up Alisa and went there. Once I had a drink I kinda loosened up and tried to forget about the whole thing - we were there and we were there to have fun. I left the waiter's Alisa's phone number because she thought he was cute - hopefully he's not a psycho stalker and calls her. Hopefully he nice and calls her or hopefully he doesn't call her at all and I can save the worrying. One of those two. Then we headed over to Big Bang. I really should have pulled a move like Alisa did and kept my credit cards in the car.
We stood up in the Pit at BB for almost an hour until a table cleared in the front. Israel and had joined us by then and we were having a good ol' time. I decided to have a few drinks (Long Islands of course). Met a guy at the bar one time, looked for him the second time but he was gone. We all danced and had a good time. We closed out about midnight or so - my receipt said I wanted to be charged $20 total including tip but my bank statement this morning is saying $40 so I will have to call and complain to BB.
We walked to find bathrooms and water and then tried getting into Margarita Rocks, but when they asked Dudley to spell his last name, he spelled it wrong or too slow and wouldn't let him in. We kept walking around and pretty much what happened was what happened last time, but Alisa and Israel were there to witness it. I cried and had a cow, of course. Dudley and I stayed aside from Alisa and Israel and we proceeded to fight and I cried. Then we walked back. At one point I yelled out "I'm beautiful!" because I felt Dudley didn't think so, and some random guys on the street heard me and I went and talked to them. They invited me to go wherever they were going but I wasn't that drunk to follow complete strangers. I went back to Alisa and Israel, Dudley was in the bathroom. I talked and cried to Israel, but only for a little bit. Then Alisa came and talked to me, but I was so embarrased because I hated her seeing me like this, and I felt like I fucked up our friendship by breaking down like that and just being a complete twit about the whole situation. Yet, I did pour my heart out, but I also said I was DD and broke that deal. She ended up having Israel drive her home, and I would have done the same, although Dudley and I got home fine.
Basically I feel like shit today. I'm not hungover at all, but I'm feeling reflective about last night's events. Israel texted me asking if we got home okay, and I told him we did but that I was worried they were upset with how I acted last night, and I was worried I'd soiled my friendship with Alisa. He said to not worry and that it wasn't a big deal at all, and that Alisa said she was wondering the same thing about me, about our friendship. When I see her again I'll have to apologize and by her lunch or offer babysitting or something. I just feel so terrible about putting my friends through that crap. It's unnecessary.
Now I've definitely ruined the relationship, whatever was left that existed, between Dudley and I. It's definitely all over. No more friendship, no more sex, no more phone calls, no more anything. It's best that I just completely cut that string that was barely holding us together. I don't want to put him through anymore of my emotional and insecure turmoil.
I NEED TO GET OVER IT!!!

Kim

Bad Dream

I had a dream that Dudley and I were fighting. We were fighting so bad that I made myself sick and nearly missed the toilet. Then all this stuff started coming out, like old nose rings that I had lost in the past. I tried to clean it up but it just wasn't happening. Dudley and I went outside and he started walking home but I kept begging him to please talk to me. Then my parents (not my real ones, but the ones in the dream) yelled for me to get back inside and clean up my mess or Dudley wouldn't talk to me ever again and neither would they. I chose to clean it up and just had to bring a few things outside to hose off. Nothing was getting clean though.
Then I ended up walking in this airport terminal/New York subway, looking for Dudley. I got to a point where I was in Canada and needed Canadian stamps to send a couple letters. The machine only took quarters and all I had was a pocketful of dimes. I kept walking and saw Dudley out of the corner of my eye doing his laundry with a studygroup of friends. I wanted him to notice me so I started to walk a little heavier but he didn't notice me.
I went back upstairs and saw a set of stairs that led down to the subway level, and decided to go down there. Right as I turned the corner, I saw Dudley out of the corner of my eye and he saw me too and looked like he thought about following me. I went down to the subway but came back up and walked outside. All these people started throwing watermelons at my team but I didn't want to throw watermelons at their team because someone I liked was on my team and I wanted to be nice to the other team so they would stop throwing watermelons at us. I don't remember if Dudley was on a team, he was probably just watching us.

I think I had this dream because I tried calling him before I took a nap and he didn't call back until after my nap.