Sobriety

Usually, people learn from their mistakes, right? But I guess we keep testing our limits, seeing how far we can push ourselves, physically and emotionally. The results of my actions last night pushed me so emotionally far I could have been swimming in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
I had ten Rum and Cokes last night, made by me. Cheap Bacardi knock-off and Diet Pepsi. I had six before I cut myself off and started my drunk phone calls. Talked to Lars for over an hour and had eight glasses of water. Finally Dudley called and said Armando was dropping him off soon. I had some drinks, and those drinks turned into three.
The rest of the night is pretty much a blur, but basically, I had an emotional breakdown and one last drink. I think I've realized, that whenever I drink, every thought that lies in my subconscious comes roaring out of my tiger mouth. The only topics of conversation I remember were talking about Christina, my jealousy, and how it might have been a mistake that Dudley and I broke up. Just a night gone wrong. A night that I just wanted to sit and drink and maybe play some Nintendo turned into emtional turmoil.
The only good thing to result from last night...I drank enough water to where I didn't have a hangover this morning. But I feel like I still woke up a little buzzed. And I looked at my messy apartment. I got angry last night and became violent - I broke a picture frame that had a picture of Dudley and I. There were Diet Pepsi cans everywhere. I found a stain on the carpet. I felt so ashamed this morning. I couldn't even look at Dudley. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Things between Dudley and I will never be the same.
I think I just need to separate myself from him, for awhile anyway. No more calling or text messaging him. Keep our relationship strictly platonic - NO SEX. Yeah, we had sex again this morning.
I also need to make a decision. I hate the way I behave when I drink. I'm not sure if it's the particular kind of alcohol I'm consuming, but lately, I become angry and over-emotional. The past two nights I drank because I was stressed out. Stressed because of work and my pending relationship status with Dudley and training for the half marathon. I had to numb the pain but I overdid it. I need to look for healthier options than drinking. That's the first step, is recognizing I have the problem. My next step - I dumped all the bottles of alcohol I had in the freezer down the drain. I left Dudley's bottle of whiskey, and he still has all his cans of Guinness, but I don't touch either of those.
I'd like to elaborate more but I think I just want to think about what I did last night. I didn't like myself at all. I'm a horrible person for it and feel so ashamed.
Next week when Lars is in town, I will go out with everyone, but I won't drink. I'll even be the DD. I'll just sip Diet Coke. I don't even want to drink beer. I have no desire whatsoever to go through what I put myself through last night ever again. I want to be happy. I want to feel forgiveness and acceptance of others. I want to free myself from my emotional scars. Time to grab the Mederma because hopefully those scars will slowly disappear...forever. And I can learn to love myself and others again.
Maybe I'll have a Dairy Queen Blizzard tonight. Maybe :) After I finish cleaning up my apartment.