Life never ceases to amaze me

Dudley came over last night. I drove to work to pick him up and chatted with Linda, Phil, and Armando for a little before we left. I had every intention of picking up a bottle of rum or vodka and drinking the night away. I also had the secret intention of having sex with Dudley. But the night went towards a different direction, and had I gone through with my sexual endeavor, it might have ruined the whole night.
We had a few mixed drinks and I learned a few things I never thought Dudley would confess. It definitely had to be some of the rum talking, but after two or three big mixed drinks, I learned this: His relationship with me was his second longest, and his longest was 9 months. His last girlfriend screwed him over so he still felt burned by it. He admitted that we were both doing better without each other. I said maybe it was because the pressure was off.
On that note, I do feel happier. I feel happier that I'm not spying on his Myspace, and that the pressure is off because there isn't a relationship to worry about. I feel happier because I'm not trapped in heartache. I have lost the right to scold him for hurting me. He can flirt all he wants and it doesn't need to affect me anymore because we don't have an intimate relationship. I'm also happy that he still wants to be friends with me. If I had lost him altogether, I would not be happier. So him hanging out with me last night made me happy.
I didn't want the night to be emotional. I just wanted to share stories and humor and watch mindless late-night television shows. But Dudley opened up to me and finally told me everything I knew he was feeling that I wanted to hear. I was the first one he told when he found out what day he was leaving for the Air Force boot camp in Texas. He told me that even though he'll be gone, he'll still think of me everyday. He told me he was scared of where he was going and what he was going to do and what was going to happen to him. He didn't want me to see, but I refused to let go of his hand, because I wanted to feel the connection: he cried. He didn't want me to see it, but I could feel it because I refused to let go of holding him.
The time that he's known me and spent with me, he's seen a side of me that nobody else sees. And by nobody else, I mean people at work. I have different personalities for each environment I'm in. I adapt to the environment itself (for example I'm at a basketball game, I wear a home team jersey and drink a beer and yell at the players, simple). I've made such an impact on his life. And it goes deeper than that and I wish I could have vocally recorded our three hour long conversation and share the important pieces here. But whether I remember it word for word, the thoughts and actions are permanently tattooed in my mind and on my heart.
I let myself surrender to my feelings last night. As bad as it could have been, it felt okay. I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back. It was passionate. I hadn't felt that passion between us since the innocent lust we had in the beginning of our relationship. Of course, he stayed over.
I woke up to rain, which was kind of nice and it set the tone for the morning, even if it meant I couldn't ride my bike to work. Dudley woke up too, and got romantically frisky. It felt very nice and made me wonder why it didn't feel as great when we were together. Maybe because I felt annoyed by his constant mood of feeling horny? Whatever the reason, I wish I could change. But I cannot change the past. I just let him do what he wanted because it felt too nice to stop. It felt right.
We made love and it was good. Most would look down on my actions and tell me that I lead him on. No. This was right. It's one of those situations where acting upon an action that falls in a gray area is right. White meant we shouldn't have done it, black meant we should have done it; both areas having proper benefits and consequences. Our actions fell directly in the middle of the gray area. We may not be together but we still do love each other. And I trust that he isn't messing around with another woman. He respects me and loves me enough to not taint my friendship.
"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?" Very true.

And one last little life lesson to learn: I thought I learned this 12 years ago but I guess not. Don't eat a bag of gummi bears/worms/what-have-you in the span of 12 hours unless you really enjoy the effects laxatives have on the body. This also pertains to eating sugar-free chocolate as well.