Big Bang...BIG BANG!!!

One day gone from that horrid Myspace website and here I am again, blogging. I suppose blogging is a regular part of my life. So was Myspace, but I honestly feel it came in between me and a personal relationship of mine.
Hi, my name is Kim, and for the last seven months I was in an interesting romantic relationship. But I felt more like a nagging mother to her child than a girlfriend for the last three months. As of yesterday, I am once again, a single woman.
He wasn't THAT great of a person to begin with. But, as usual, I had love goggles on. Those tend to fog up pretty badly when you're in too deep of a love puddle. Please, take my word for it.
I met this person at my workplace. I told myself to not become attracted to him, because, one time, in the past, the same thing happened, except the guy was attracted to me, and I allowed him to pursue me. Then we dated for almost two years and also worked at the same place during that time. Seeing the person you're dating inside AND outside of your working environment is probably the least healthy thing you can do to your relationship. So I should have learned that lesson, right? WRONG.
Before I go any further, the person I was trying to pick up on at work has a name. Yep, he does! It's Dudley. Please, save your snickering comments at the end of the blog.
Anyways, I found Dudley's Myspace. At the time it was probably the hip and trendy thing to do. Instead of Googling your potential dates, you Myspace them! Interesting concept, no? So I added him and for about a month we sent each other silly Myspace notes, mostly in the form of movie and song quotes.
One night I was already particularly wasted from sampling beers when I sent him a note. He was online, and we sent each other notes back and forth, and eventually, he called me and came over to have some beer with me. That story cut short, I was sick and he stayed over and needless to say it makes an interesting memory for a first date.
Our courtship was fun most of the time, especially in the beginning. We went and saw movies, went out to some fun college bars, and even ran in a 10K together. But things moved fast and heated up even faster, and of course, I fell. Hard. As usual. I would write in my diary and ask God why he didn't call me everyday. Why didn't he like me as much as I liked him?
Things got better though. He came around and eventually called me more often and even said "I love you" first. There, the deal was sealed, right? Well, sure. But along with me fallling in love really fast including me turning into the green eyed monster known as Miss Jealous.
He flirted with other girls at work, especially with one in particular. It made me cry, and I made sure he saw the tears. He got better at not flirting so much, especially in front of me.
But then I started checking up on him, assigning secret spies at my job. Some of my closer workmates would tease him about not treating me right. Hey, a girl's gotta get love somehow.
But then I'd also check for any signs on his Myspace. Anytime someone on his friends list sent him a comment, I'd go to their Myspace (pending that it was a public profile) and see if he left them a note. There was this particular girl, Christina, whom he'd leave flirty comments with occasionally. I should know that the comments were harmless, but I couldn't help it - she lives where he used to live and she was cute. Dudley likes cute girls. And by cute I mean young and act silly and adorable at the same time. Why else was he dating me? :)
Then things took a sour turn. Dudley felt he wasn't doing well in school and felt he had no other options in life, and decided that joining the Air Force was his best bet. What?!? What sparked this sudden decision? It threw me like a curveball, and it prevented me from falling any harder than I had at that point. I was at a love standstill. The plan was that he was leaving for Bootcamp in San Antonio, Texas, in November. And that this commitment was at least 2-5 years. So the relationship was already doomed. And instead of getting dumped or dumping him right away, what do I do? Try and spent as much time as possible with him, maybe even change his mind about leaving. A girl can dream, right?
Flash forward to two days ago. We spent the evening together and had a few drinks. My stomach was so full of liquid that I couldn't drink anymore but had a good buzz going for a few hours. He kept right on drinking. By then, my A/C had blown out and the heat was making me tired so I went to bed. He stayed up. The next morning, after I took him home, I checked my Myspace and his, and saw Christina left him a comment. I went to her page and he typed in caps, "I MISS YOU LIKE JOURNEY MISSES STEVE PERRY."
Now I know by now you're thinking, "Oh God Kim, stop being so silly and paranoid." I don't care what you think. Dudley had wandering eyes and a flirty persona, I didn't want to lose him to ANYONE. Because believe you me, I'm not all that hot. Or great, especially with the way I had been acting. It was time to do something. I couldn't go on living like this, nagging him constantly about not calling me and what not (trust me there were more problems I had with him besides him not calling me all I'd liked him to). He got annoyed with me more than often, and I got mad at him more than often. Something was wrong. Everything was wrong.
So I went to pick him up at work yesterday, Tuesday evening. This was the day I had planned on ending our relationship. He bought me a bouquet of yellow tulips. Oh great, that doesn't help me at all! Maybe I'll wait til next week to dump him. We went back to my place and I made dinner - pizza sandwiches. The last meal. I don't know what set it off, but he brought it up for the second time - how he always got annoyed with me and how I always got mad at him. So we decided it was the best for the both of us that we end the relationship. The thing that made me cry was me asking him, "If you knew you were feeling this way, and we both knew you were leaving in November anyway, why didn't you just do anything back when you knew what you were feeling?" Or maybe it went "If I knew I was feeling like this, and you knew you were feeling the same way, why didn't you just say anything in the first place?" I think that statement hit home for him, and I can't be 100% positive, but I'm sure that out of the corner of my eye, I saw him shed a few tears.
So we went into my bedroom and talked some more, and he held me. Now that I think about it, because he knew he had already hurt me and had finally realized the repercussions on the lack of his actions, he held me to comfort me. Just because the relationship was over didn't mean he didn't want to hang out with me anymore.
It'll be a little hard at first. I'll still keep my phone nearby in case he wants to call. And I'm sure there's still some tears to shed.
Speak of the devil...
Here come the tears!!
Alright, now I must try to distract myself. He still told me that just because it's over doesn't mean that he doesn't still want to be friends. And I told him that I hope he's true to his word because in the past I have had boyfriends say they still wanted to be friends, but after a short period of time I hardly heard from them again. That, and they really didn't want anything to do with me, despite my being a nice girl and giving them their space.
Bottom line, truthfully, I want Dudley to be happy. And I know he wants me to be happy. But we couldn't make each other happy like we wanted to be, so this relationship didn't happen at the right place and time. We both want different things. And it's better to find this out sooner than later so that no major mistakes are made.
I will always remember the first time we hung out - I was super drunk and became sick, he held my hair and stayed the night. The 10K we ran together. Our first night at the Big Bang together and hitting up Mill Avenue with heavy intoxication (along with an unpleasant run-in with a belligerent co-worker). Valentine's dinner. St. Patrick's Day - Flogging Molly concert with his best friend, Matt, in town. Movie dates. Having beers at Baby Kay's with some co-workers then going to see the Dave Chappelle movie, drunk. Disneyland on my birthday. Weekend in Las Vegas. The "Esteban" joke.
I do believe him when he says he still wants to be friends, and I think he will make a futile attempt to do so. We just have to go Dutch on dates, which works out to my benefit because I played the sugarmama role most of the time. I'm just afraid to be more hurt than I already am. Maybe he'll prove me wrong when people say that ex-boyfriends and girlfriend cannot be just friends afterwards.
Now...the sex opportunity, is lost but not forgotten. I know, I know, sex is off-limits. It'll only hurt me more because I've learned that the "friends with benefits" concept does not work with my heart..............but I can't help it if I'm horny.
Be strong, Kim. Be strong.
And welcome to the new chapter in my life, everyone!